Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
is that a dick in a sweater?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
