Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
