sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
