Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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