"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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