New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
