69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
