Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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