and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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