Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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