Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
