I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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