i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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