Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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