this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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