when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize