I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
