My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Small penises have feelings too.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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