im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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