He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
