Four minutes until I can fart!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
