I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
