Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
