respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
