you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
