There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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