Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
