When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
