A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
