when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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