My liver just broke up with me...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
