Hey man sorry I got all grabby
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
