Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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