There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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