I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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