5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
