Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Your cock deserves a montage
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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