We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
