I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
