I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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