the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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