I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
