ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
