Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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