I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
