so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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