I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
