I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
