So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
