Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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