The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
