someone threw a dead crab at me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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