If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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