Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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