I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
