you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
