I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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