My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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