I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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