And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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