Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
