I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
